I Am The Elvis Presley Costume Pants From New Girl
I am the Elvis Presley costume pants from New Girl.
It's not very often that I am pressed into service for the purpose of helping to send a beloved person from this plane to the next. But it does happen. And it's a vocation I take very seriously. Given that the mortality of the man I commemorate is frequently called into doubt, when I happen to be called to do my thing at a funeral, I make it my business to be on point.
Some might wonder how it is that I managed to fit a drunken derelict (Eric Edelstein) who was so tall that he had to duck coming out of a bathroom stall (and who could maybe stand to drop a pound or two), and a short, slim woman (Zooey Deschanel) who could probably squeeze through a coat hanger. Some might also observe that when worn by the male Elvis impersonator, my legs and red flares appeared to flow as though they were made of a light cotton/poly blend, whereas I clung to the lady's pins with a canvas- or denim-like stiffness. To which I might reply, what is this, Mood? Mind your own business!
I don't need to get into all the vicissitudes of my complex existence. I am not on trial here. But surely you noticed that, during his life, the late Walt (Dennis Farina) was mixed up in some pretty crooked doings, and that his widow, Bonnie (Margo Martindale) is a pretty tough customer in her own right. It was dicey enough for Jess to try to use me and my colleagues (the wig, sunglasses, shirt, cape, and -- obviously -- chiffon scarf) to help give Walt the homegoing he dreamed of. If she came out looking like a little girl playing dress-up in her rotund father's trousers, she would not only dishonour the King's sainted memory -- she would also risk joining Walt in the great beyond after Bonnie straight murdered her in front of a chapel full of witnesses. I could not let that happen. So I tightened up.
And anyway, you looked the other way with those Traveling Pants from the movie, right? So leave me alone. The important thing is that I got the job done.