Battle Of The Cruddy Campaigns

Whose candidacy is more legitimate?

Say what you will about Marva -- starting with "she's an attempted arsonist" -- but the show has long since established that she has specific ambitions to get into a good school and become an entrepreneur; though she has straight As, she knows she needs to beef up her extracurriculars in order to be competitive when she applies to the Ivy League schools she has her eye on, and figures getting elected "Girls' League President" (I don't know), as she tries to do in "Guess Who's Coming To Slumber," will get her there.

In the Beverly Hills, 90210 episode "Stand Up And Deliver," Brandon decides to run for junior class president (and here's where I feel obligated to remind everyone that the Bev Niners definitely did Grade 11 twice) first because Andrea talks him into it on her usual grade-grubbing killjoyish reasons, and then because, when Kelly hears he's running, she gets such a wide-on for all the awesome power that might be his if he wins that he's convinced by the prospect of future blowjobs.

Winner: Rags To Riches.

Which candidate more believably loses perspective in the midst of all the campaigning?

Because Marva has come by her candidacy more honestly, she mostly keeps a cool head; she uses a "Meet The Candidates" event to get way too wonky about the percentage of students who have after-school jobs and try to drum up excitement for her work-study credit proposal, like, I'm not really sure school credit is merited for the kinds of jobs high school students had in the early '60s, which I assume pretty much started with "soda jerk" and ended with "freelance lunch counter oppressor," but sure? It's not until those bitches Amy and Marnie sabotage her perfectly innocent slumber party that Marva decides to start selling out her sincere beliefs for votes.

Brandon, on the other hand, is an asshole at all times, and uses his campaign as an excuse to start trampling all over his sister, from trying to control what she wears to school lest it reflect badly on him (the fact that he happens to be right about this particular look is beside the point)...

...to annexing her room the second she leaves to house-sit temporarily at her new friend Sky's. When he shows up at the apartment where Brenda's staying to impose Kelly's campaign video viewing party on her, he has the balls to complain. He's garbage.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which show's glad-handing party blows up more dramatically?

All that happens at Sky's when Kelly and Brandon show up with a bunch of strangers is that the power goes out because Sky's broke and pathetic -- besides which, the repo man's already been there, so there's nothing for this pack of teenagers to destroy anyway. But on Rags To Riches, Nick is about to have a photo shoot to showcase his (hideous) new living room design.

So the stakes could not be higher when all the ruffians and punks start wrecking up the place.

Winner: Rags To Riches.

Which show's guest star's tragedy gives the episode more retroactive pathos?

Rags To Riches gives us Danny Bonaduce as Vince...

...a third-year senior and tough guy -- which you can tell because he wears a jean jacket. As we all now know, Bonaduce is a recovering addict who spent some time in his youth homeless, which is certainly very sad. But Carrie Hamilton, who plays Sky on 90210, can match most of Bonaduce's hardships: though, as the daughter of Carol Burnett, she was probably never homeless, she did struggle with addiction to pot, Quaaludes, and cocaine.

She also died, at age thirty-eight, of brain and lung cancer, just over ten years after appearing in this episode. Which is why I will mostly confine my mockery to Brenda even though Sky is kind of a loser whose qualifications as any kind of artist are really up for debate.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which episode's B-plot is more memorable?

Far be it from me to minimize the Rags B-plot that finds Patty stealing a gone-to-seed racehorse, hiding him in the Foley garage, and standing by while Rose serenades him with "Anyone Who Had A Heart." BECAUSE THAT IS ROUGH. But Brenda's plotline in "Stand (Up) And Deliver" gives her a platform to show off her most self-righteously insecure character flaws and some of her all-time cringiest lines.

While Brandon is running his dumb campaign, Brenda gets exposed to storytelling shows at the Fall Out Club, where Sky works as MC/waitress; also a regular is Jack.

Jack is a standup comic...although I suppose I hardly need write that when his pushed-up blazer sleeves already told you so? When Jack jumps on Kelly's interrupting his set by calling for whipped cream on her cappuccino and starts doing crowd work on her from the stage, Brenda heckles him and earns Jack's grudging respect. As usual, the tiniest bit of outside approval goes straight to Brenda's head, and she starts know-it-alling all over town.

When Kelly snorts that Brenda's skipping Brandon's party because she has to feed Sky's fish:

Remember, this is a person who doesn't have a job for more than a week until she's a freshman in college. When Jim and Cindy object to Brenda's proposal that she quit school and get her high school equivalency:

Brenda, you unbelievable dickhead.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Which flame-out is more honorable?

Brandon's come-to-Jesus moment comes at the debate, when he realizes how much more qualified his doughy, unpopular opponent is, and drops out on the spot, throwing his support behind the other guy. All Marva can claim is that as she realizes she's not cut out to do what it takes to run the Girls' League, she FINALLY kicks all the kids out of the house before the new living room is completely trashed -- and even her clean-up job is spectacularly half-assed.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.

Verdict

Brandon is terrible and doesn't have the skills to preside over a dollies' tea party (though, let's face it, he is the right size). But at least he never tried to set a food truck on fire.

Winner: Beverly Hills, 90210.