Wig Cop Thinks No One Should Be Taking Photos Of Selfie

When my grand-niece told me she was excited about a new show called Selfie, I remember thinking, "Great. If someone's made a whole show about a character so obsessed with her looks that she can't stop taking photos of herself, then at least I can trust that her hair's on point, and Tuesdays at 8, I can take a break."

But I should have known better. Hair crime never sleeps. And I shouldn't have slept on Selfie.

Show's about this dizzy dame, Eliza. Her problem is, she's worked so hard at making herself a social media celebrity, she's never learned how to forge real connections with other people. Or, I should say, that's one of her problems. There's also sleeping with a married guy. And it kind of detracts from her whole glamorous image when she pukes up a couple of air sick bags and then breaks them all over herself. But you know what else detracts from her image? Her hair -- or, I should say, her so-called hair.

At first, you can't really tell what's going on with Eliza's hair, because the episode starts with a lot of quick cuts to trick the eye. But before long, she's trying to get something going, Mile High Club-wise, with this married beau of hers, and as he shoves her away, the truth becomes clear.

When a fella puts his palm on a gal's face and pushes her away, the hair around her face is supposed to move, I don't care how much hairspray you coat it with. You know what doesn't move? A little honey from the Camilla Montrose catalogue -- September 2012, page 49.

Hello again, "Windjammer." I thought I was shut of you during the first Obama administration.

The idea of the Windjammer is fine enough, especially for a TV show about a girl trying to pull off a major life transformation. It's got some bangs you can keep real soft for the moments when she's supposed to be natural...

...or vulnerable.

But when the Windjammer's done up for an intense "done" look, those bangs have got to be twisted up and glued down.

The weight of that product's going to accumulate over the course of a shooting day. You're going to get some wilting. You want your wig to look as big and vibrant after nine hours of shooting between scenes that are supposed to take place four minutes apart, you're going to need to build some kind of scalpside support system to give it the volume you want. Have I seen stylists bolster the Windjammer by pulling strands over good old shoulder pads? Sure I have.

And now so have you.

Selfie promises to give its lead a makeunder, and for the sake of this poor girl trying to deliver lines in a foreign accent while keeping her head upright under a good 22 lbs. of synthetic Hairr™ (that's Montrose's proprietary "strand product"), I hope the next step is a pixie cut.