The Loneliest, Most Engorged Teen Breasts On TV This Week

With the season finale in sight, who has the chance to end the season in happiness, and who is just bumming us all out? Let's look at the Misery Index for this penultimate episode of Teen Mom 3, and rank the Teen Moms' lives from first to worst.

Mackenzie

I was pretty horrified last week when Mackenzie's response to Josh's shrugging suggestion that they "give it another try" was to decide that if he feels like coming by her house at 10 PM, she should wake their son up, get him dressed, and head out the door at Josh's car horn to go...somewhere? (Where did they go?) And while the early going of the latest episode seems to suggest that Angie is going to listen to Mackenzie's sister and overcorrect by giving Mackenzie some kind of ultimatum that ends with Angie and Brad taking custody of Gannon or something, instead Angie has a respectful conversation with Mackenzie in which she not only shares her concerns about Mackenzie's ideas of appropriate parenting, but suggests that it might be nice for everyone if, instead of just pulling up outside the house and honking for Mackenzie, Josh should treat the rest of Mackenzie's family like people. To Mackenzie's credit, she agrees -- it's been clear all season that what she wants most is for Josh, Gannon, and herself to be a family, and integrating Josh with her own close family will necessarily play into that; and to Josh's credit (I can't believe I just typed that), he also agrees, and heads out with them for an afternoon of jetskiing fun. I still feel like Josh and Mackenzie are fundamentally unsuited for one another and would have long since broken up if not for Gannon, but if she is determined to stay with him for their son's sake -- and I guess Josh is too, since he was out and then put himself back in -- the best possible scenario for that working is if he makes an effort to be part of Mackenzie's family and starts to learn that being an adult (and a parent, more to the point) means you can't always get out of obligations just because you're not feeling it.

Briana

How mad are producers that they cast Briana for this season and then she went on to cut ties with Devoin and become soooooo boring? Last week, there was a frisson as it seemed as though maybe Briana was going to get very serious in a secret relationship with the Devoin-esque (according to Brittany) Jacob, which would obviously lead to a huge falling-out with Brittany and Roxanne. And there was a little of that, as Briana enlisted a friend to drive her, and Nova, on very chaste dates with Jacob. But then Briana discovered via Twitter that Jacob has also been "talking to" another girl, and just as it had barely begun, Jaicana was over. Briana: just go to class, get your degree or diploma or whatever, and don't worry about boys for a while -- or forever, because from what I can tell you have Dana Brody-esque taste.

Alex

I have to give Matt credit: whatever terrible shit he's been getting up to before and since getting kicked out of his halfway house, he's been keeping it away from Alex, so I guess something sunk in after his second stint in rehab (that we've seen this season; possibly there were more than that before the show started shooting). But with Matt still out of the picture for now, another man has stepped up to make Alex feel bad about herself: her father Jim! Moments after we see him for the first time in this series, Jim lets Alex know that if she hadn't had Arabella, she wouldn't be working as much and as hard as a thirty-year-old, which is undoubtedly true, but not really productive? Alex handles it nicely by reminding Jim that having Alex and working so hard to provide for her was Alex's own freely taken choice, but still, maybe the next time there's a happy celebration for the anniversary of the birth of the baby that ruined Alex's life for her, maybe Jim will stay home.

Katie

Joey is still total garbage, obviously, as he takes Molli for the weekend and brings her to some kind of four-wheeling race event with his new girlfriend Brigette, and why wouldn't he? Babies love sitting on and running their fingers through dirt, right? (It apparently doesn't occur to Joey OR Brigette -- who has a daughter of her own; both of them are also in attendance at whatever this crazy hillbilly thing is -- to bring a picnic blanket or anything.) But Katie still proves in every one of her segments that she needs to get her shit together. She gets a bad revenge haircut (and apparently instantly regrets it, if her curly look a few scenes later is anything to go by). She tries to weasel into Joey's time by asking if she can come nurse Molli at some point during the weekend just so she doesn't get too engorged -- which I thought might be a legitimate question until later we see that she totally has a breast pump, so...sadly transparent there, Katie. Finally, she ends a fight with Joey by yelling, "I'm sorry that I love you!" KATIE. You think you do, but you don't! PLEASE dig deep and find your inner Tina Turner!