Teen Dads 0

Sheriffs get involved in the life of one of the Teen Mom 3 stars...and yet two other people have it even worse. Here's the Misery Index for the latest episode, as we rank the moms' lives from first to worst.

Mackenzie

Back on top, the worst thing that happened to Mackenzie this week was that her dad, Brad, got so lost driving the family to see Mackenzie's boyfriend Josh in his triumphant return to rodeo-ing that they actually missed his turn. Of course, it was over quickly because he committed some rule infraction that got him disqualified. (Mackenzie's mother, Angie: "Did you win any money?" Now, I'm no rodeo expert, but I'm pretty sure that when you get kicked out of the competition, you also lose the chance to get paid, ANGIE.) So even though Josh's dad doesn't want him to pursue bronc riding and Mackenzie's whole family isn't thrilled about it, either (given the many serious injuries Josh has already suffered and the fact that he now has an infant son), he's doing it anyway. Fine. As the episode ends, though, Mackenzie works up the nerve to suggest to Josh that even if rodeo-ing is his life's true passion, maybe he should consider getting a part-time job, too? For money? Because when you enter a rodeo and get disqualified, you don't earn any money that might help pay for your child's food and tiny cowboy hats? And even people who are pretty serious about rodeo-ing get that you can't pay rent by showing your landlord really cool photos of you getting bucked off a bull or whatever the hell? Josh is like, "Nah." And then Mackenzie loses her moral authority by saying, first, that they've been planning their wedding for two years and that she doesn't want it to be crappy. Go home, Mackenzie.

Alex

If this space were being used to rank the misery of the teen moms' moms, Alex's poor mother Wendy would be dead last. I know the state that Matt left her basement in when Alex kicked him out wasn't that bad -- like, I guess he could have also taken a shit and ground it into the carpet? -- but it's clear from the look of the rest of her house and the behaviour of her two extremely poised younger children that Wendy values an orderly life, and seeing shit strewn all over the place by the kid she was kind enough to give a home to must have been infuriating; Wendy handled it a lot better than I would have (by which I mean that I would have stood over Matt while he cleaned the basement to my satisfaction or murdered him with my bare hands if he failed). (Look, if I showed you a photo of my t-shirt drawer, you would get it.) Anyway: the reason Alex is ranked so high despite the fact that her child's father is a "recovering" drug addict who's still using -- his urine test only got him flagged for pot this week, though based on his manner in last week's episode, I am curious to know what else he might be using -- is that Alex has finally given up on her pitiful dream of making a life with Matt and letting him have a significant role in their daughter's life. Alex has accepted that Matt is a drug addict, that it's not safe for Arabella to be around him, and that she needs to look after herself and her child and figure out which legal steps to take to limit his custodial access. Smart! And if Matt never comes back for whatever other shit he left in the house, just light it on fire.

Briana

Speaking of limiting custodial access: this was also the week Briana decided that she'd run out of patience for Devoin's half-assed "parenting," because we all understand "parenting" to mean "stopping by your ex-girlfriend's house empty-handed to dandle your kid for ten minutes while your buddy waits for you in the car," right? Devoin has been worthless since well before Nova was born, and evidently has seen no reason over the past seven months of her life to demonstrate any capacity for or interest in participating in his daughter's life at anything even approaching a hobby, so rather than let him keep dicking around with everyone's hopes, Briana is right to cut him off legally. And sure, Briana's life is generally pretty decent, what with her warm and supportive sister and mom, but when your actions require the intercession of a couple of sheriffs to serve papers on your ex's trifling ass -- right and righteous though it may be -- I can't slot you in the top two. But things are definitely going to improve for Briana from here, once she gets used to the idea that Devoin doesn't exist for her; soon enough, she'll realize he never really did.

Katie

I know that ending the episode with Katie and Joey in therapy, getting their issues out in the open and setting conditions for their relationship going forward, was supposed to give the viewer hope that the session represented a promising start for the openness and love they are about to start sharing again, but I already fell for that shit once. Last week, we learned that Joey is jealous and cruel; this week, we can add to that the fact that he spent a good chunk of his and Katie's limited funds on weed, and that he has no conception of why this would worry her -- even though it's just weed -- when she spent her childhood feeling unsafe in her family due to her father's meth use (and manufacture, and sales). Once again, Joey responds to Katie's expressions of worry and anger at one of his negative behaviours by pointing to the things he does right: that he works and provides for the family financially, that he gave up drinking when she got pregnant, as though that should give him license to ignore whichever requests she makes of him that he decides aren't reasonable. Joey's ability to relate to Katie seems to be shrinking with each passing episode, and vice versa, and the viewer can easily see that this couple should have broken up a long time ago, and probably would have if they didn't have a child together. And just because the episode ends with smiles and a kiss and a way forward mapped out in therapy, no one should forget that only halfway through, Joey admitted that his proposal to Katie didn't necessarily mean he actually loves her. I'm just saying, remember that next week if he ends up cursing her out again, which he definitely will.